2012 BWI writing contest

It's the Boating Writers International annual writing contest again, and this year I'm entered in three categories including my submission of the "Rant" for Original Online Content. I know I certainly fulfilled the "Original" part of this submission, but this category is populated by many very experienced and talented writers. So I'm just going to just cross my fingers. It's always better to be lucky than smart. This category is the only one that requires an essay, and I used a cartoon format. My esteemed editor friend Dick has told me that self deprecating humor is indeed a legitimate form of journalism. You can bet I  jumped on that band wagon in a heartbeat. In this case I had a little fun with Foxed News, and as always I am "Fairly Unbalanced."   

This is the  Bristol Boat TV cartoon
This is the Presidential Boating  cartoon

Welcome to Extendo Inc.

Welcome to Extendo, your marine extended warranty specialists. If you know your parties extension you may enter it now. Please press "1", for Human Relations, please press "2", for accounting, please press "3", for Sales and Marketing, please press "4", for IT services, please press "5", for Investor Relations, please press "6", for Purchasing please press "7", to file a warranty claim, please press "8", if you are a marine technician please press "9".

Thank you, you have reached the Extendo marine warranty claim support department. Please enter the 16 digit claim number followed by the pound key. Thank you, an agent will be with you shortly, There are 11 callers in front of you. Your business is important to us, please continue to hold.

It's not a boat says the Supremes

The city of Riviera Beach, is the loser, Lozman takes the title in this damp litigious bout. This less then elegant floating thingamabob has occupied seven years of marginally riveting court antics, which culminated in an appearance before the Supreme Court. The Supremes have spoken, it's not a boat. No, seriously, you're kidding me. It has all of the obvious characteristics we understand about boats. It floats, enough at any rate. It can be towed very slowly, if there is a second boat behind it to keep it from swinging widely from port to starboard. And it appears to be in need of constant maintenance. This in my mind alone is the defining hallmark of a boat.

Cockpit TV under the arch

It seems fitting to start at the end of the project. We now have a arch mounted TV that looks good when stowed, and yet has a huge range of motion. This is a 28' footish cruiser, and the cockpit functions as the owners main salon. Watching TV before required, as the owner stated, "You had to go down into the dark, and watch it from the bed."

You piece of blagnab jetsam.

You styrene reeking floating piece of fracking junk! I hope your innards turn to outards, and your engines go visey-versey! I hates boats! It's just human nature to hates boats! Why dern you low down, son of a dugout canoe! You'll pay for this, you dog blasted, ornery, no account, bucket of fiberglass!  Look at what you no good fracking rawrbazzle wotten flea bitten varmints done did.

Pump up the volume, maybe?

You never know what direction fixing things on a boat will steer you toward. Even the most trivial tasks, can quickly become odious in a heartbeat. "The radio doesn't work on my new boat, will you look at it?" "Sure, but this is a warranty issue, any repairs will have to be cleared with the dealer first. I'll look at it, and tender an opinion. What's going on with it?" "Well I'm not sure. There apparently was a problem with it, and the dealer said a new radio had been installed. They averred it was working when it left the yard, but it has never worked for me at all."

Cable TV Outer Limits

There is nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are not controlling transmission. We can't make it louder by bringing up the volume. We can't make it softer, we can't tune it to a whisper. We can't reduce the focus to a soft blur, or sharpen it to crystal clarity. We will not control the horizontal. We will not control the vertical. For the next thousand words, sit quietly while we don't control all that you see and hear. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the inner mind to... The digital cable less Outer Limits. Because you can't easily hook up an interface box on most boats!

Boating marital issues

Happy new year, be safe!

Christmas day

Christmas day, back to the grind tomorrow.

Barnacle blues and sex

The tiny larva knows it's running out of energy, and its antennae are frantically twitching. It can't feed until it has found a home. A current starts to pull on it. The larva instinctively knows something is wrong, and desperately tries to swim against it. It's sucked into a black abyss, and then the current stops. Larva antennae feel something, and grab it. Cement glands immediately extrude a glue, and the larva is now securely attached by its head.  Now it feeds.

The one eye knows it's dark, but limbs reach out and snatch food. Secreting calcium carbonate, the larva bonds even more firmly to the unwilling host. The current starts again, but it can no longer budge the larva. It has built solid walls around it. The flowing water provides food, and it grows. Now secure, it creates offspring and sets them free to infest the new unwilling host.

The nautical "Twas the Night Before"

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the boat
Not a creature was stirring, not even a stoat.
The stockings were hung by the nav station with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their berths,
With visions of hardtack, all dancing with mirth.
And mama in her hairnet, and I in my cap,
Had just settled ourselves for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the deck there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bunk to see what was the matter,
Away to the port hole I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters, and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the calm winter ocean,
Gave the lustre of mid-day to the boat's soft motion,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature trawler, and eight tiny key deer.

With a tipsy old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than sea gulls his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Aquaholic! now, Luna Sea! now, Stocks and Blondes!
On, Chum Bucket! On, Ship Face!, and Crossing the Ponds!
To the top of the fo’c’sle! to the top of the gaff!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash with a laugh"

As canvas sheets that before the wild hurricane flies,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the skies.
So up past the mast top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of gear, and St Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard up on my deck,
Prancing and pawing making my topsides a wreck,
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the dorade box St Nick came with a bound.

He was dressed in foul weather gear, from head to foot,
And his oilskins were salty, wet, worn out and kaput.
A bundle of LORAN's he had flung on his back,
And he looked like an installer, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled, his dimples how merry,
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry.
His bourbon breathed mouth was drawn like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as pale as fresh snow.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the ganga smoke circled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a huge round belly,
That shook as he slurred, and he was so smelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a belch from his head,
Soon gave me to know I had something to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his third finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the dorade box he rose!

He sprang to his trawler, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him mumble, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!

Exhausted from St. Nick, and concerned instead,

To my berth I stagger for a few hours abed.

Awaking in the morn, I find all of my rum gone,

And a pile of manure on the deck from a fawn.

I hope you were good, l seemed to have gotten nothing but anthracite.

Merry Christmas, and boat safely from the Installer and family.

Sonic repair

"The boats making a real loud buzzing noise, and I can't reach the owner. Can you take a quick look at it, and what should I do?", asked the dock master. "Sure, give me a half hour to get there, and let's show an abundance of caution, and please turn off the shore power breaker."

Software management woes

If boat builders built airplanes, they would be falling out of the sky faster then we could scurry around and pick up the wreckage and luggage. Somehow lessons that have been learned by most manufacturers of complex items, have been left behind by all too many boat builders. Oops, Mr. Grunion, we left our lessons learned on the train station platform. Never mind Bob. Don't worry. The buyers don't pay any attention to that documentation stuff when they write the check for the boat, and when the warranty expires, it's not our problem anymore.

Experimenting with Bob the navigator

I'm feeling not so smart. By that I mean not as smart as a 16 year old kid. I know a lot, but it has become apparent that being intuitive in today's world takes some real effort. I barely survived the changes in Facebook, I do have a Twitter account, but have never tweeted. But today I am a winner, even though I only get a small red ribbon.

After mucking around I have finally gotten a video to work right. I kept reading about embedding videos, and with my tedious Blogger software, it just won't work. There is a little insert video button on my toolbar. But because my Internet connection is slow, it always opened with just a button that said upload video. Had I been a little more patient additional lines would have appeared say from You Tube? My You Tube? My Cam? Phone?...... As I said I should have asked a kid first. So here is belatedly the first appearance  of a properly installed video on MIR.

This little piece is a rainy day experiment. I have been looking for old public domain archival materiels related to boating, with the idea It could be edited for some other more insidious purposes. It's harder that it looks. These excerpts are from a Navy navigation training film circa 1943 titled "Night Piloting.". Out of 17 minutes of excruciatingly tedious and pedantic film, I salvaged just about two minutes.

I was intrigued because it dealt with navigation techniques that are now 70 years old, but still applicable today, sort of. It didn't turn out exactly like I thought it might, but this is often the way a lot of my projects end up. I had footage, I arranged it into an order, and then made up the dialog. It ended up being a oddly twisted version of a morality play. So no Oscar, but a lot of education in editing, and locating the material.

Here is the link to the original "Night Piloting"

Want to see just a bit of the public domain material that is available, try here. Three million people a day visit this site.

Neolithic yachting

Boat nice Grob. Like too Ruk. Took many Cro-Magnons to carve from real big tree. They not smart like Neanderthals, but work hard. Boat cost me many clams, but got best stuff.

Look Ruk, fancy thing always point at Polaris so know which way to go. Lodestone box make noise. Cro-Magon man tell me scrat run fast circles inside. Tell loadestone which way boat leans.

The politically incorrect chandlery

Just in time for the holiday season our ship chandlery buyers have been touring the world at great expense to locate new, and interesting products for the truly discriminating boater. We can personally assure you that none of these unique products are available at any other chandlery.

Happy Thanksgiving

We love Thanksgiving in our household. Family gathered, good bourbon, tall tales, and best of all the aromas coming from the galley. But most of all it is the traditions that pass down from generation to generation that are important, and ours is "Potato Volcano." Who needs eviscerated poultry products that take forever to cook when you have abundant mixed meat porcine products surrounding a science project looking potato volcano oozing cheesy and buttery lava down its sides. Just add ketchup gravy, and you have a feast the Pilgrims would have loved. Have a safe and abundant holiday. 

Since you asked Josh, here it is. We have lots of cookbooks, but three are used all of the time. This recipe is from the Culinary Arts Institute book. The other two are Joy of Cooking, and How to Cook Everything. There must be on the order of  4000 recipes in these three books. "Bon Appetit", or is it just "Good Eats"?

Sand castles? Hardly

Meet motorcycle safety guy, I followed him for about forty minutes. He never got any closer than fifty yard to the car in front of him, despite the fact that glaciers were passing us. Because the gap was so large, dozens of cars had pulled in front of him, making the pace even slower. His pipes weren't loud, so he was being extra cautious.

It was carefully planned, sort of. The sand sculpting annual event was occurring at the big public beach, and I had never seen one. By planning, I meant I had pushed off going out there thinking on a Sunday, late in the day, things would have died down a bit. Boy did I screw up. I left the house at 3:30, made a quick stop at Office Depot, and headed out. I live 4.2 miles from the beach. I thought it couldn't take more than twenty minutes. If it was any other day, 15 minutes would have meant I caught every single light.

A zillion wires

It's not quite a zillion wires, but by the time we're through well over 300 connections will be made. An old Searay dash panel is coming out, and it's being replaced with a shiny new one. The ravages of time, and sunlight had faded the old panel. The plastic had embrittled and cracked in several places. All in all it had acquire an unsavory appearance.

Public chalking

I don't know what the world is coming to. Anamorphosis is being done right out in public on the city's streets. And since this years theme was the circus, it featured lurid images, the ever present creepy clowns, and even near public nudity. Move over Key West and your so called Fantasy Fest, Sarasota has the Chalk Festival.

Xcelerator 36 at FLIBS

I almost walked on by, but something in the scene caught my eye. This was different, and different was worth looking at. The salesmen were young, there was a 15" 7215 Garmin on the back of the boat mounted like a down spot playing a football game. The boat looked sort of like another boat I know, but it wasn't, and look at the logos on the wrap. When did 3M start sponsoring fishing teams?

FLIBS, oh my aching dogs

The Ft Lauderdale boat show is the beast of all boat shows swallowing 3 million square feet of space in six locations. A fleet of trolleys and buses transports thousands of visitors around the locations, and the roads are all jammed. What this boils down to is there are a zillion boats ranging from small, to the immense packed in like chili oil sardines in a tin. At times you can't even see the water they're floating in.

Autopilot 101 DIY Part 1

Contrary to claims by some, there is no overall best auto pilot. I think all of the major brands are good, and your choice should be predicated by the characteristics of your particular vessel. The type of boat, existing or future navigation systems, accessibility and layout of the steering systems drives the best auto pilot system decision for your particular vessel. For discussions sake, we are building our auto pilot system around a hydraulically steered twin engine trawler.