Saturday, July 5, 2014

The Zombie Apocalypse

November 22, 2014
I'm getting more and more concerned about this Zombie virus stuff despite the fact that Washington and the CDC keeping saying everything will be fine, and a cure is near. This morning the news reports said that it has now spread from Africa into China and the Middle East and there is an unconfirmed report of an outbreak in Venezuela. 

November 27, 2014
The US just closed the Mexican border, and stationed 8,000 troops along it. All ships entering major ports are now boarded and inspected before being allow to enter the US. International air travel is now restricted to flights to and from Europe, Japan, and Canada. I was concerned before, I'm freaking now.

The president said in a speech today "There is no reason for concern. Every available government resource is being spent to find a cure, or at least stop the Zombie virus from reaching here." I don't know what to do, but my instincts are screaming you better be doing something, and now!

December 1, 2014
Went to the bank today, and took out a $60,000 home improvement loan. It was the most I could get. I should have the money in my bank account in a couple of days. Call me paranoid, but the Zombie virus is still spreading rapidly. This stuff makes Ebola look like the common cold. I went online and ordered two years worth of freeze-dried food, MRE's, 50lbs of Tang and 15 gallons of 200 proof organic grain alcohol. This has tapped my Visa card out, but I still have the Amex card, and the Master card. I need a real plan.

December 3, 2014
International travel has now been restricted to flights to and from London and Paris. Africa has gone silent, but China still has some TV stations on air. Nothing that's being reported sounds good. The loan money was deposited in my account. It took of two hours of arguing to extract it as cash. It's 20 bundles of $3000. I have the glimmerings of a plan in mind. A boat would be the safest place to be. Zombies can't swim. 

December 5, 2014
A boat it is, but what boat? I think I have to survive on it for at least two years or maybe more. I need something both large enough to live on, and hold all of the supplies. I have to narrow the search down, and quickly. I call a broker to look at possible candidates. I'm going to steal it.

December 9, 2014
I met with a broker this morning. He ran my credit report and was concerned about my ability to buy even a small boat, much less a 50 to 70 footer. I had taken my briefcase and filled the bottom of it with a layer of pocket books, and then put the $60,000 on the top. I set it on his desk, snapped it open, and let him look at it. "You do take cash don't you? If not I can look elsewhere." "No problem" he quavered, "Let's go down to the docks and I will show you what we have here. What's your price limit? "I don't have one" I said grinning. I thought he was going to wet his pants on the spot.

First stop is a Magnifico 70MY. "It's only $3.1M" blurted the broker, let's take a look. It certainly is plush. By that I mean it was loaded with electronic gadgets and pleather, and it has a profile that makes a dirigible look slender. "The life span of all these tech toys will be too short, if it works at all", I think "What's it's range?" I asked. The broker studies his spec sheet for a moment. "If you slow her down to 10 knots, about 400 miles." he says. The morning drones on.

We look at a 60' sport fish. It's all deck and not much boat. That tuna tower will be a bad thing if the bridges can't open. The several express cruisers are fuel pigs, and don't have any storage. A large far east built trawler looks like a possibility, but its engines won't run if their computers have any problems at all. I passed on a couple of boats that resembled floating Clorox bottles. They looked like the were lucky to be floating in the first place. At the end of the dock I spotted an older boat. "What's that?" I inquired. The broker stares at his clipboard for a moment and tells me, "That's a 1975 58' Hatteras Long Range Cruiser, It's not as nice as the other boats you've been looking at."

It's dated but appears to have been well maintained, and it's blue water capable. I think it's perfect for the task. The broker takes me up to the bridge, reaches under the dash and snags the keys. I ask him to start the engines. They fire right up, and no bad smoke is coming from the exhaust systems. The electronics are a bit older but of good quality, and the radar works well.

We go below and tour the boat. The sight gauges say the tanks are full, and there is about 2300 gallons of fuel on board. If I'm careful and go slow a range of over 3000 miles is possible. There is a shortwave radio, watermaker, it has the smaller Detroit diesels, and an inverter. There is only a 6KW generator, but I don't need more than that. It has everything I want. Lots of space, fuel efficient, basic systems that are easy to fix or get parts for. No complex home theater stuff, computers that flush the toilets and run the engines. Just old school gauges and basic technology. In sum it was built like a brick outhouse, and will be maintainable.

I casually take my camera and snap pics of all of the gear so I can identify the models later. The broker looks a bit crestfallen at this. After an hour on the boat I look at the broker, and enthusiastically tell him,"Let's go look at the Magnifico 70 again, I really liked it." The broker perks right back up again.

December 10, 2014
The news is getting worse. All travel to and from the US and Canada has been stopped, and all US troops worldwide are now back in the US. The Mexican border is a war zone. A fifteen mile buffer zone is manned by thousands of troops with flame throwers, large munitions, drones, helicopters, bombs, land mines, lasers and everything else they have than can stop the tens of thousands of hungry Zombies trying to surge forward. The louder the booms, the more Zombies they attract. The damn things are hard to kill. You have to either cut off their head requiring close contact, or completely, and I mean completely destroy their brain. With just one bite within 8 to 24 hours you're a Zombie looking for dinner.

December 11, 2014
I'm spending money on supplies like its water. I need to weaponize the boat It's hard to kill zombies with a gun for two reasons. First you have to destroy its brain completely, and the noise of gunfire draws other Zombies to you. My first line of defense is a huge CO2 fire extinguisher with a long hose. 

You can freeze one in a handfull seconds, and it gives you about 30 seconds to hack its head off with a machete. I bought four of them. I added a double barreled 12 gauge shotgun for good measure, or more likely for bad people.

December 15, 2014
I rented U Haul moving truck and I'm filling it with supplies. The list seems endless. Extra propane tanks, fishing gear and a cast net because I don't want to subsist on just dried food all of the time. Fill my Kindle with hundreds of books and reference manuals, fuel filters, spare watermaker cartridges wasabi paste, more tools, new set of AGM batteries for the boat, wind generator, a large solar water still in case the watermaker fails and so on. I'm close to ready.

December  17, 2014
I have been studying them, and I've done some calculations on the Zombie virus. It's spreading at an exponential pace. Despite all of the myths, Zombies expend energy, and require food to provide it. That'd be us, but Zombies can't defeat physics. If they don't get food, they will eventually grind to a stop even if they are they are the undead. I think in two years most of them will be gone, and the remaining survivors can start to pick up the pieces.

December 19, 2014
Things have taken a turn for the worse. Yesterday a freighter running on autopilot with an infected crew plowed onto the beach near Long Branch New Jersey before it could be stopped. At least a dozen Zombies lurched off the ship and disappeared. The first reported cases of the Zombie virus in the US were reported today in Newark. It's time to go.

December 20, 2014
Late this afternoon I moved the U Haul truck to a dock on the north end of the bay. I picked it because it's a quiet area and will be easy to offload the gear here. I took a cab back home. Grocery stores are being cleared out by hoards of panicky residents, it's a good thing I bought food early on. I change into a white shirt, and khakis, and grab the captain's hat I bought for the occasion. I am waiting for dark. At 9:00 pm I drive to the marina and park the truck. I  saunter down the dock like I own it and board the boat. I get the keys from under the dash, and fire the engines up. I turn on the electronics and cast off the lines. Ten minutes later I'm clear of the marina and headed into the bay. It takes half an hour to arrive at the stash dock. Nobody has said a word.

I unlock the truck, and spend the next two hours loading the boat. I'm just dumping the stuff anywhere I can drop it. I'll have plenty to time to put it away later. Soaked with sweat I restart the engines, and cast off the lines. Leaving the dock I see a sheriff's car pull up to the U Haul truck. I give a friendly wave as I head out into the bay on a bearing for the pass. I don't stop until I'm well past the 12 mile limit in the Gulf of Mexico, and I drop anchor. I have done it, I'm safe. I'm a survivor. I use the shortwave radio and find a BBC station, Europe is mostly overrun, and outbreaks are reported all over the US. I'm exhausted. I  collapse into my berth and pass out.

My eyes shudder open. Damn I feel like crap and I'm fuzzy. What a god awful nightmare that was. I struggle to get my legs over the edge of the mattress. The bed looks like I wrestled a grizzly bear in it, and where did all the blood come from? I stagger to the kitchen to make some coffee and see the boards that were nailed over the living room window are now laying in a jumble on the floor. The clock says it's 4:30 in the afternoon. I'm supposed to be playing Santa at the office party today. Where is that cheesy rent-a-suit? I'm really hungry, I need to eat something.

The Hatteras LRC photo was graciously provided by yacht broker of record Mike Dickens of  Paradise Yachts. One the company's specialties is trawlers.

The two Zombie photos were taken at great personal risk by Wikipedia user Hypnotica Studios Infinite.

The fire extinguisher photo was taken by Wikipedia user Z22.


  1. So I'm thinkin' my bugout plan via boat is a pretty good one. The kicker is the boat ain't ready yet. Hmmmm? And my lil' .22 plinkster ain't gonna be too effective 'ginst the Z's either. Hmmmm? So basically y'er sayin' I'm skrewdled. :-(

    Good read Bill. I got a chuckle or two out of it!


  2. You don't seem to realize the Zombie Apocalypse has started in the USA. You won't be placing guards at the border., Mexico and Canada will.

    1. You'll wrest our brains from us with your cold, dead hands?

      Nice piece, Bill. My boat resembles your zombie survival vessel.


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