Sunday, February 3, 2013

Scene of the crime

I got the call at 11:00am. The boat was a wreck, and the TV was gone. I asked if anything else was missing or damaged. The owner said no. I shuddered. I already knew what had happened. I reached through the window, stuck the red light on the roof and turned on the siren. It was no doubt zombies. The undead were hard at work again.

I see the undead shambling around town in their cars and boats all the time. Moaning impatiently in long lines while waiting for the early bird specials. Staring vacantly at their smart phones trying to figure out how they work. The undead do indeed walk among us everyday.

Most of the time you can get away from zombies by just walking away from them. They careen around like molasses in January. But a few of them cause real trouble, and that's when I get the call. I'm the Installer, professional zombie hunter, and marine technician.  

The cops were already on the scene when I arrived. I took one look at the scene, and my worst fears were confirmed. "This is the work of zombies alright," I averred out loud. The cops were incredulous, but I'm used to this. 

"You're crazy as a loon," the cop said. "There ain't no such a things as zombies."

He smirked and went back to smearing carbon black on everything looking for fingerprints. "That won't work," I said. "The undead don't leave good prints to find." "Well if you're so smart, tell me how you know zombies did this?"

"Well it's easy to see officer. Just look at the scene. They lurched past thousands of dollars of navigation equipment, and just took the five year old television. The map chips in the chartplotters were worth more than the TV. They didn't have any tools so everything was just ripped out. Zombies aren't very good with tools. They can barely stagger you know."

"They also ignored the Bose stereo in the cabinet, another sign of feverish brains at work."

"All of the cables were left in place too. But the coup de gras is the George Romero zombie movie marathon on TV tonight. If I was you officer, I would sure have a chainsaw in the front seat of the car for your rounds tonight."

This all had the hallmark of addled intelligence at work. The TV will never be found, and it's lucky nothing else of value went missing. We will beef up security on the boat. I'm closing this case, and will help acquire and install a new LED TV. It's time for a beer, and a fried brain sandwich, my favorite.

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