Sunday, April 1, 2012

Gender bending, male or female?

Lying deep within a mountain in the New Mexico desert is the clandestine headquarters of BIOS, the Bureau of Inanimate Object Sexing. Behind massive steel doors designed to protect good citizens from even accidentally overhearing conversations that are not suitable for pregnant women, children, and many others whose constitutions are of a frail and sensitive nature. Within these rooms, words like coupling, shrouds, hermaphrodite, bisexual, and androgyny are casually bandied around with impunity. Sexing inanimate objects is an important, but difficult and extremely taxing job. Because of the constant sexual pressure BIOS staff must always be carefully monitored by psychologists, and hand washing stations are always located close at hand for the safety of all.
BIOS is not without controversy. Groups such as the Association for a Sexless Society, and many others are are continually railing against the governments efforts to force unwanted sexual innuendo into their lives. Technical professionals complain about perceived gender misassignments, and women's groups object to vessels such as garbage scows being refereed to as shes.
But regardless of complaints, since the sexing of all objects was passed into law by Congress in 1876, BIOS has been tirelessly been doing this difficult job. The decisions are difficult. What is the real sex of a Shop Vac, or a plumbers snake? These decisions have to be discussed and made daily. 

It is apparent to me that now is perhaps the time to take object sexing out the closet, and bring the discussion out into the daylight. I think that taking a neutral stance, and in an effort to offend no one, congress should just mandate that sexing be abolished, regardless of anyone's perception of sex. Everyone, and everything should just be an "It". "It is a beautiful yacht." "It is attractive." "It was a bad mechanic. "No, no it cried as it pulled off its filmy negligee to fondle its heaving bosom." See, it offends no one now. Well maybe the romance authors will gripe a bit.
Crap, it sure looked like a NMEA 2000 female connector to me, but what do I know about sexing plugs? The female cable, that really looks to me like a male has been ordered, and this one goes back to the distributor. If it looks like a duck.... it might not be.

Ed Wood is infamously celebrated as one of the worst film makers of all time. The movie poster is from Glenn or Glenda, a notable cult classic, and don't miss Plan 9 From Outer Space with its horrifically bad quality special effects, and some some of the worst movie dialog ever written. 

The photo of the railroad "Couplers" was taken by Wikipedia user Daniel Schwen.

1 comment:

  1. The picture above of the device net cable is the one I want/need. I have the female version which the retailer assured me "is what everyone buys when they want to do what you are doing".

    Grrrrr.....(followed by self recriminations, tears and excessive beer consumption.


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