Saturday, March 3, 2012

Battery trial

Opening argument, the defense:  "Good morning ladies and gentlemen of the jury. My client, Mr. Battery who you see slumped in the wheelchair before you, has been accused of attempted murder in the first degree. I'm going to prove to all of you beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Mr. Battery is indeed innocent. His disfigurement, and subsequent leakage of poisonous gas was in reality caused by his owners neglect, faulty equipment, and poor installation. Look at my poor client in his charred and bloated condition, and ask yourself, could the loyal Mr. Battery truly have deliberately tried to kill the owners he loved? I know you will all make the right decision. Thank you for your attention."

Opening argument, the prosecution: "Good morning members of the jury. My esteemed colleague would have you believe that Mr. Battery who you see before you is just an innocent victim of circumstances, and abuse by its owner. But in fact we will prove to you that he is really a cold blooded killer, filled with dangerous chemicals, gases, and murderous intent. I feel pity for his condition, but we will show that his damage was self inflicted, in an attempt to viciously kill its owners in a fit of rage. Thank you members of the jury."

Defense: "Your Honor, the defense would like to call Mr. Owner to the stand. "Now Mr. Owner, how long have you known Mr. Battery?" "Why all of his life. I took good care of him, and he had excellent care by Mr. Solar Charger." "So Mr. Owner, you're telling us you took good care of Mr. Battery?" "Yes sir, I took very good care of Mr. Battery." "Well if that's the case, why did you abandon him for nine months?" "Well, I didn't mean I was there all of the time, I did have someone check on him from time to time. Mr. Solar Charger was feeding him daily." "So how often did you check on your so called "Loved" Mr. Battery, daily, weekly, or was it really hardly at all?" "Well someone was supposed to check Mr. Battery about once a month, or that's what I paid for, but I can't be sure." "Okay now, lets just leave it at not very often, if at all. How hot was it in the boat while you were gone?" "Well I don't think it was very hot." "You don't think it was hot? It was blocked up over asphalt in a marina in south Florida for nine mouths all closed up, and you don't think that's hot?" "Well, I'm sure it was warm, but's it's not like it was in Death Valley." " No more questions your Honor."

Prosecution: "Mr. Owner, when was the first time you noticed Mr. Battery was acting up?" "I could smell rotten egg gas, and I checked all of the valves on the AGM  batteries, and could find no problems."  "What did you do next Mr. Owner?" "Well I called a technician to check Mr. Battery, and that's when he discovered that Mr. Battery had deliberately melted a hole in the side of his case to try to kill me with gas." "Objection your honor, please ask Mr. Owner not to speculate." "Sustained. Please just answer the question asked Mr. Owner." "The defense has suggested that you didn't take care of Mr. Battery, but you indeed had a professional checking in on him, that's right isn't it?" "Yes sir." "And Mr. Battery was correctly installed wasn't he?" "Yes sir." "No more questions your Honor." 

"The defense would now like to to call Mr. Battery to the stand. Now Mr. Battery, just tell us in your own words what happened." "I don't know for sure sir. I was just so hot all of the time, day after day I was all alone. It was sweltering in that small compartment. It was hell you know. Then one day I felt the short in my cell, and it hurt real bad. No one was there to help me, and then Mr. Solar Charger turned on full voltage because my voltage was now low, and all day long he cooked me. Since it was Mr. Solar Charger, he would shut down at night. I would pass out, and the next morning, the roasting would start again. I was so sick. One day it was so hot, that my case started to melt, and then all of a sudden I felt a little better as the pressure dropped through a hole that blew out in my case. I don't know why my valve didn't work, maybe it swelled up from the heat. I didn't mean to hurt anybody, honest your Honor."

Prosecution: "You were mad at Mr. Owner, weren't you Mr. Battery, because you had to spend some time alone? " "I wasn't mad, it was just so hot all of the time, and then I got very ill. "So you're blaming your sickness for the attempted poisoning. Is that your story Mr. Battery?" "No, I was just so sick, and Mr. Solar Charger never stopped." "So you're telling me that the poisonous gas wasn't yours?" "No, I mean I don't know, I was so delirious." "So are you now claiming you were insane?" "No I wasn't insane, I just couldn't help myself." "No more questions your Honor."

Prosecution closing argument: "Well we have heard a lot from Mr. Battery today haven't we? He was hot, but we all get hot. He was sick. We all get sick, but it doesn't turn us into murderers does it? He was alone, but we all have been alone at some time or another. He even admits to venting the poisonous gas. I trust you will do your duty, and convict Mr. Battery of attempted murder. Thank you."

Defense closing argument: "Just look over at poor disfigured Mr. Battery sitting there. He worked hard all of his life, and was then abandoned in incredible heat, at the mercy of the cruel Mr. Solar Charger who had no high battery temperature cut of switch. How would any of you act if you had been left in a small dark hot box all alone for nine months, and  became ill at the same time? Think what you would have done under those heinous conditions, and give Mr. Battery the freedom he deserves for the last few remaining months of his life. Not guilty is the right conclusion from good people. Thank you."

The Sarasota Inquirer
Mr. Battery acquitted of attempted murder!

After two days of deliberations, the jury acquitted Mr. Battery of all charges. The jury foreman was quoted as saying, "None of us could believe that Mr Battery had lasted for so long under such inhumane conditions. This would have killed a weaker person." The Prosecutor commented, "I know the jury had good intentions, but they let a psychopathic murderer walk out the door. We will be keeping an eye on him, he's guilty, I don't trust juries." In other news, the district attorney has indicated they are considering filing abuse charges against Mr. Solar Charger, who has now apparently left town.


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