You're kidding me right? You're not?

"Igor, I'm ready, hand me the brain, and my magnifying glasses. Give me a little space Igor, and what have you been using for mouthwash? Road kill? Good I'm done Igor. Throw the big knife switch... AND IT'S ALIVE!.... Hmmm sort of at any rate. It drools a lot, it's picking its nose, and sniffing the acetone. Igor where did you get this brain from?" "Ah that's a long story boss, but you know that bar across from the Magnifico boat factory?"

I'm perpetually flabbergasted at the inane things I find on production boats. They slap them together, and let someone else worry about the consequences. Here is today's prime example of a basic task made excruciatingly difficult, if not impossible. This sail boat came from the factory with the wind instruments and autopilot installed during construction. I'm adding a new Raymarine e7D to the starboard steering station, Ram mount for the Ipad on the port less used steering station, and a SR6 network box with a Sirius receiver for weather.

The Celestronic M3. The perfect chart plotter?

I was surprised I was even invited to see it. I met the boat at a private dock, and departed for a two hour cruise. This nav system looked sleek, but unimposing at first. It's only 1/2" thick, 14" wide and 10" high. But one should never judge a book by it's cover, and the wireless Celestronic M3 proves this.

Boats that spread their wings

Just as soon as the Wright Brothers figured out how to get an airplane off the ground, inventors were trying to get them to work on water. The first successful float plane flight was in the flimsy looking Le Canard in 1910. By 1923 short hop commercial flying boat service became available in Britain.

The pinnacle of commercial flying boat service was the iconic Pan Am Pacific Clipper (Boeing 314) starting in 1939. Service ended in 1941 with the US entry into WWII. The introduction of the Lockheed Constellation and the Douglas DC-4 rendered large commercial transoceanic and flying boat service obsolete. None of the Boeing 314 aircraft exist today. The last one was scrapped in 1950.

Here is the vocabulary. Seaplanes can take off and land on water and runways. The subclass of this genre is amphibian aircraft. They divide into floatplanes, and flying boats, with the later being defined as having a hull. What you're looking at is a sleek Seawind 3000 flying boat, and you have to build it yourself, or at least more than half of it. You can also buy one someone else built and had certified.

Slippery slope

"Okay Bob, give me about 15 minutes, and I will have the transducer installed. I will leave the wire tied up in the transom to the motor harness in a plastic bag. When you get the boat back to your house I will stop by and pull the transducer wire forward, and install the rest of the gear." "Thanks Bill, but I have been thinking. Since you're already here, could you get the GPS installed? I have been out of boating for a while, and I don't think I could find my way home without it." I look at my watch. This was supposed to be a quick give and go on a busy full schedule day.

That's when I heard the loud pop of a small vortex to the ether opening, and felt the first tug on my soul. I look at Bob, and I know he is right, so I say "Okay Bob, if the yard will give you the time I'll stick the gear in. Then I gotta go."

Playing with PuTTY and NMEA

"Welcome to "This is your life,", and please give a warm welcome to our surprise guest NMEA 1.5."

"Well NMEA 1.5, how are you feeling?" "Well I'm doing okay, I guess. I don't do much work anymore, and nobody calls me to do anything new. I mostly hang around in my ninth floor walk up apartment with my five cats and watch reruns on TV. I was important once you know, but today, not so much."

Link love? Do I look like a cheap date?

Every few years for some unknown nostalgic reason I think I like spam, and I buy some. It gets cooked with Don Ho singing Tiny Bubbles with his ukulele in the background. But like that extruded McRib thing that appears every now and then. I'm always disappointed. I too can get sucked into that "An ounce of image exceeds a pound of performance thing." But for sure I don't like the taste of comment spam.

In the beginning I just put up with it. My email tells me I have a comment. I look at it, and if it's comment spam I just dump it, until one day I saw this on the Rant.

How it's made

Today on "How It's Made", bronzing chart plotters, macrame hanging basket holders, tie dyed T shirts, and a Rant.

Lets start with the choice of Wordpress or Blogger? To be honest, I was clueless at the time, and took the option of using Blogger's no cost, over Word Press's small cost. The whole decision to do this at all was intellectual masturbation at its best.

Milling around online and looking at blogs, all I could think was "look at all these billions of megabytes of crap." In many ways it isn't. Families use it as an online equivalent of the Xmas letter. People on trips chronicle their ventures. Teenagers write about their angst, and almost all of it is of little interest to me. I was sorry to hear Aunt Em broke her hip, but Dorothy's blog tells me she would get better if she quit stealing the morphine.

VHF marine radio operators are standing by

Who would of thought just a few short years ago that your mobile phone could replace all of that expensive complicated, and bulky electronic equipment on your boat. It has a GPS, lots of marine charting apps are available, radar weather, and even a fish finder app. If you get into trouble you can also call for help, or can you?

Posted on the Flager Live website was the story I took this excerpt from.

"The drifting boat and passengers were located by Air One on the Intracoastal Waterway near the Whitney Lab in Marineland around 1:15 a.m. The Palm Coast boat owner, Danilo Gomez, 43, explained that he, three family members and the teenager were heading home from St. Augustine when they experienced engine problems. He said the cell phone they had did not work and he was unable to call for assistance."

I don't know exactly why the cell phone on the boat didn't work. It might have been broken, had a dead battery, or maybe they were just too far from a cell tower. But I think we can comfortably infer they didn't have a VHF radio. Otherwise why would they have been way over due, and drifting around in the ICW in the middle of the night?

The disclaimer, it's not our fault.

Warning!!! By pressing the enter key on this chart plotter you are acknowledging that this is merely an aid to navigation, and anything that happens to you by using this or our vendors product is absolutely all your fault. You are also agreeing to hold us harmless even if there errors and omissions in our product, if you hit something, get lost, or we just told to use obsolete information.

You know you just can't make this stuff up. This is taken from a new Navionic's chart showing the Stump Pass area on the west coast of Florida, along with some chart notes about the pass. I took the liberty of underlining the less than constructive advice the cartographers have offered the user. I suspect they will correct this quicker then sending an email to their website.

Remember, it is just an aid to navigation.

And a tip of the hat to Steve Stevens for spotting it.

The FEMA project

Thanks for coming everyone. Our beloved president of Magnifico Yachts, Mr Grunion has asked me to do an update for the engineering team on our two FEMA programs. Our first program is to find out if our yachts can be built to meet FEMA hurricane standards. This has turned out to be little more difficult than we thought due to the impact testing requirements.

We did get a good deal on the air cannon we bought in a government surplus auction, and finally got it installed in the old mold shop out back. That's the good news. The bad news is that it took a little time to learn how to use it.

Staff went out to marine salvage companies, and collected a broad range of stuff that might blow around in a marina during a hurricane. We got lots things like beer coolers, sub-woofers, flag poles, daiquiri blenders, and that sort of boaty stuff. For the first test, we set up one of our hulls about 100' in front of the cannon, and loaded it with a LORAN unit. The purchasing department had bought a lot of them on sale off Ebay before they realized the system had been shut down two years earlier.

Splitting the transducer

The Parmain top secret laboratories have been bombarding a transducer with protons trying to get it to split. The DARPA program funding was pulled when the janitor said, "Just add a wire pigtail to the transducer, it's simple." Drat, time to write another grant request to DARPA. Maybe this time we could design a talking GPS for a boat. It should be simple enough for the average boater to use. To guide you to your destination it could say "Colder" or "Warmer." If you lurch to a stop it will say "Freezing."

Of all of the electrical things that exist on a boat, your transducer is the most reliable. It's always immersed in a salty chemical soup, gets dragged through the water often at very high speeds, and yet it keeps on working year after year. When I get a call dealing with a "no depth reading" problem, the first thing I suspect is the depth finder itself. Second could be the transducer face is covered with marine life having a rave party, and or has gotten knocked up. Third is damaged wiring. Fourth, and only very rarely the transducer has failed. There is an exception here. If it is a Garmin system, it may be suffering from thermistor-itis.

Stereo land antics

Meet Seth Lopod. He is currently on his vacation, but he is employed full time by boat builders. Seth is specialist in the installation of boat gear in places that are just impossible to get to. With eight long flexible tentacles he can squeeze in to the most cramped locations. He saves boat builders a lot of money in both design costs, and access plates.

Statistics to avoid

The annual USCG Recreational Boating Statistics is somewhat dry reading to say the least. It's a graphs, tables, and runes filled dusty tome. So in the public's interest, the Parmain Top Secret Laboratory's super computer has been burning its vacuum tubes all week crunching it's 79 pages of data. This has all been carefully analysed, and summarized into a "How best to improve your chances of dying" in a boating related accident.

The Searay 370 Venture. What you don't see is good.

This is one the winners of the National Marine Manufacturers Association 2013 Innovation Awards, and deservedly so. I wasn't one of the judges, but I think I would have come to the same conclusion as did the BWI judges, but maybe for decidedly different reasons.

   

The Bounty Hearings

The tall ship Bounty's sinking was a tragic event around which many questions swirled. Why did the captain take the Bounty into the path of Hurricane Sandy? What was the condition of the vessel? What did the USCG inquiry find out? I have been following Mario Vittone's insightful coverage of the Bounty hearings on gCaptain. This is the link to the gCaptain page  covering  the hearings. Start at "Rotten Frames." This is a very good, and sobering read. This is the link to Mario's website.

Miami boat show 2013 roundup

The numbers aren't in yet for the Miami boat show, but by looking at the crowds on Friday, and the struggle it took to park, I think it is going to be a well attended show. My day was marred by rain especially in the afternoon which stopped me from visiting the "In the Water" venues. As I expected, new marine electronic product introductions have taken a big leap. My favorite was the new Raymarine Dragonfly sonar, a take on the Navico "Structure Scan", but using CHIRP technology with the brand name DownVision. With a price of about $700 I was extremely impressed.

This just fortifies my sense that we have just barely scratched the surface of sonar CHIRP technology. Just imagine this technology looking forward for obstacles, and being able to show you a safe path through shallow waters, or warning "Danger your boat can't go there!" Just musing out loud.

Hushpuppy exposé

In 1957 a wooden ketch was being battered in a gale and started taking on water from a split hull seam. It quickly came about and ran hard due east towards the Florida coastline.  The eastward turn was fortuitous, and the vessel started to run a bit ahead of the storm. A pass was seen, and used, although at that point with several feet of water sloshing in the cabin, a beach would have been acceptable.

The pass was Egmont Key, and the vessel hooked to the south seeking the lee side of Anna Maria Island. The boat was bailed down as much as practical, and the family fled to shore. The storm followed them into the coast, roiled overnight, broke the anchor chain and drove the ketch onto a sandbar. 

In the morning a tug attempts to pull the boat off the bar, but to no avail, A plan is hatched to remove one of the running backstays and use the tug to heel over the full keeled vessel. It starts to shift, and then with a horrific crack, the mainmast splintered, and crashed into the water. In 1957 dollars $9000 dollars of rigging was now floating in the water.

Like the pioneers who built the sod hut where the wagon wheel broke, the demasted vessel became the first Florida home for the small family. After hull repairs, the boat lived at small inexpensive docks on the local barrier islands. A very rare treat in those days was to go out to eat. What was close, and inexpensive, were the local mom and pop seafood restaurants. The hushpuppies were always my favorite menu choice. Remember this is 1957, and from my five year old perspective, all seafood was fried, and vegetables come out of cans. 

I'm not a gourmand, but I do have an affinity for good food, or I as I like to say it, I've finally reached that station in life where I can afford the high end $5.00 a pound hot dogs. But when it comes to hushpuppies, I'm am very particular. There are only two types of hushpuppies, real ones which are now a very endangered species, or the frozen machine extruded ball like versions now so sadly ubiquitous to most seafood restaurants. 

Pictured above are real hushpuppies. Their distinctive shape comes from a batter being rolled off of a large spoon into the oil giving them an irregular shape. I know to most they're not recognizable, and many are going to say, "This guy is some sort of an elitist, where I live hushpuppies are roundish, and I like them. They're gooey inside and seem to have some wet like onion sort of bits in them."

Now, let's take a look under the hood at a real hushpuppy. When you break it open, it's actually fully cooked inside, and fluffy like the inside of a piece of cornbread. It's also speckled with small bits of chef added mojo.

Behold the machine extruded hushpuppies. They are about the same everywhere. In reality, the ingredients are nearly identical to real hushpuppies, but they have to be smaller to actually cook the frozen interior. Since the mojo added to the batter has been frozen, things like onion tend to be mushy. Try freezing an onion, thawing it, slice it, and put it on a salad. It's not good eats.

When you break open the machine extruded cooked product, you can see the interior is a bit mushy inside, and I'm being kind. If you blow up the picture you can see the less than a tasty ring of grease just under the crusty layer.

Here is another example. Eight little balls lost in a big basket. The order came out lukewarm in just a couple of minutes. No doubt a really big batch had been fried up and then left to languish under a heat lamp.

The good news is that it was cooked all the way through. The bad news was no mojo, and it was johnny cake sweet. By no mojo, I mean no onion, pepper, garlic, jalapeno, chilies, celery, chives, scallions, corn, hot sauce or the millions of other things you could add to them. These were just tepid balls of cornmeal and flour fried up, rattling around in a large basket.

Without regard to my personal health, and as a public service for all I have randomly visited about seven or eight of our local seafood establishments. I ordered hush puppies and a beer for lunch. The Beer? Yep Yuengling, you can't properly divine the exquisite taste and textures of this fried food by washing it down with a glass of skim milk.

Only one in the lot actually made their own hushpuppies, and unfortunately, all the rest served me various versions of the frozen oil-bathed balls. This is amazing, the recipe is stupidly simple, and I don't mind if you use a dry mix to make the batter, as long as you add good mojo. So when you go to a seafood restaurant and want to order hushpuppies, ask to see some first. If they look like jawbreakers, large marbles, wonky ball bearings, cojones, or tiny billiard balls, do yourself a favor, and just say, "Sorry, what a shame, I wanted real hushpuppies, not your deep fried  extruded balls, even if you say they are tasty."

For the record, not a single soul said a word to me as I sat there taking pictures, and eviscerating their food. Walt's Seafood restaurant in Sarasota is the only one I have found to date that makes real hushpuppies. I'm not mentioning the ones who serve the ersatz ones. There must be some more, and when I find them I will add them to this now very shortlist. You're not a real seafood restaurant if you don't serve real hushpuppies. 

Pulitzer Prize rejection

From: Pulitzer Prize Journalism Jury

Subject: Your Pulitzer Prize  journalism entries

Dear Mr Bishop,

Only very grudgingly have we accepted your journalism entry, primarily because you paid the entry fees. We want you to know that despite your fervent assertion you have the word "Newsy" in The Marine Installers Rant's nameplate, it does not automatically qualify your publication for inclusion in the journalism category.

That being said, we have several other issues with your submitted boating related "exposés." One of the tenets of good journalism is to be concise. We can only advise you that your writing style can only be described as very windy at the minimum. We couldn't come up with printable adjectives for the maximum.

We also noted the use of many obviously made up medical syndromes such WBS (wet butt syndrome), CS (cyclops syndrome), RPS (random placement syndrome), and many others.  

One of our jurors was in particular upset with your terminology  "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot." Dressing this euphemistic pig up does not make it any less pejorative, and the use of nater nater is never becoming to a professional journalist.

Mr. Bishop, the list is long and includes your use of fictional personages, made up quotes, delusive leads, and poor news story construction. We suggest that if you want to continue in your tenuous journalism career that you might try submitting your material to the Weekly World News. Since Edwin Newman has left, and Bat Boy is going to retire, there may be an opportunity there for you. You might also try the Huffington Post, we understand they pay the same.

With regards,

Pulitzer Prize Journalism Jury

Scene of the crime

I got the call at 11:00am. The boat was a wreck, and the TV was gone. I asked if anything else was missing or damaged. The owner said no. I shuddered. I already knew what had happened. I reached through the window, stuck the red light on the roof and turned on the siren. It was no doubt zombies. The undead were hard at work again.

N. E. Taylor Boatworks

I love working in this boatyard. There are no cute whirring golf carts driven by staff wearing polo shirts with logos. It smells like salt air, fish, and in older times you could add creosote to the odorous mix. My eyes see sparks flying off steel hulls from grinders, new copper being nailed onto wooden hulls, and vessels of all types. It's a mixed use facility. Fish house, seafood market, boatyard, two restaurants, and commercial fishing boat docks. Something is always going on. Reefer trucks are pulling out with frozen fish and bait, fork trucks are delivering pallets of ice to boats, and lots of fish and crab. The company has been in business in the Cortez Florida area since 1921.

  

2012 BWI writing contest

It's the Boating Writers International annual writing contest again, and this year I'm entered in three categories including my submission of the "Rant" for Original Online Content. I know I certainly fulfilled the "Original" part of this submission, but this category is populated by many very experienced and talented writers. So I'm just going to just cross my fingers. It's always better to be lucky than smart. This category is the only one that requires an essay, and I used a cartoon format. My esteemed editor friend Dick has told me that self deprecating humor is indeed a legitimate form of journalism. You can bet I  jumped on that band wagon in a heartbeat. In this case I had a little fun with Foxed News, and as always I am "Fairly Unbalanced."   

This is the  Bristol Boat TV cartoon
This is the Presidential Boating  cartoon

Welcome to Extendo Inc.

Welcome to Extendo, your marine extended warranty specialists. If you know your parties extension you may enter it now. Please press "1", for Human Relations, please press "2", for accounting, please press "3", for Sales and Marketing, please press "4", for IT services, please press "5", for Investor Relations, please press "6", for Purchasing please press "7", to file a warranty claim, please press "8", if you are a marine technician please press "9".

Thank you, you have reached the Extendo marine warranty claim support department. Please enter the 16 digit claim number followed by the pound key. Thank you, an agent will be with you shortly, There are 11 callers in front of you. Your business is important to us, please continue to hold.

It's not a boat says the Supremes

The city of Riviera Beach, is the loser, Lozman takes the title in this damp litigious bout. This less then elegant floating thingamabob has occupied seven years of marginally riveting court antics, which culminated in an appearance before the Supreme Court. The Supremes have spoken, it's not a boat. No, seriously, you're kidding me. It has all of the obvious characteristics we understand about boats. It floats, enough at any rate. It can be towed very slowly, if there is a second boat behind it to keep it from swinging widely from port to starboard. And it appears to be in need of constant maintenance. This in my mind alone is the defining hallmark of a boat.