2012 BWI writing contest

It's the Boating Writers International annual writing contest again, and this year I'm entered in three categories including my submission of the "Rant" for Original Online Content. I know I certainly fulfilled the "Original" part of this submission, but this category is populated by many very experienced and talented writers. So I'm just going to just cross my fingers. It's always better to be lucky than smart. This category is the only one that requires an essay, and I used a cartoon format. My esteemed editor friend Dick has told me that self deprecating humor is indeed a legitimate form of journalism. You can bet I  jumped on that band wagon in a heartbeat. In this case I had a little fun with Foxed News, and as always I am "Fairly Unbalanced."   

This is the  Bristol Boat TV cartoon
This is the Presidential Boating  cartoon

Welcome to Extendo Inc.

Welcome to Extendo, your marine extended warranty specialists. If you know your parties extension you may enter it now. Please press "1", for Human Relations, please press "2", for accounting, please press "3", for Sales and Marketing, please press "4", for IT services, please press "5", for Investor Relations, please press "6", for Purchasing please press "7", to file a warranty claim, please press "8", if you are a marine technician please press "9".

Thank you, you have reached the Extendo marine warranty claim support department. Please enter the 16 digit claim number followed by the pound key. Thank you, an agent will be with you shortly, There are 11 callers in front of you. Your business is important to us, please continue to hold.

It's not a boat says the Supremes

The city of Riviera Beach, is the loser, Lozman takes the title in this damp litigious bout. This less then elegant floating thingamabob has occupied seven years of marginally riveting court antics, which culminated in an appearance before the Supreme Court. The Supremes have spoken, it's not a boat. No, seriously, you're kidding me. It has all of the obvious characteristics we understand about boats. It floats, enough at any rate. It can be towed very slowly, if there is a second boat behind it to keep it from swinging widely from port to starboard. And it appears to be in need of constant maintenance. This in my mind alone is the defining hallmark of a boat.

Cockpit TV under the arch

It seems fitting to start at the end of the project. We now have a arch mounted TV that looks good when stowed, and yet has a huge range of motion. This is a 28' footish cruiser, and the cockpit functions as the owners main salon. Watching TV before required, as the owner stated, "You had to go down into the dark, and watch it from the bed."

You piece of blagnab jetsam.

You styrene reeking floating piece of fracking junk! I hope your innards turn to outards, and your engines go visey-versey! I hates boats! It's just human nature to hates boats! Why dern you low down, son of a dugout canoe! You'll pay for this, you dog blasted, ornery, no account, bucket of fiberglass!  Look at what you no good fracking rawrbazzle wotten flea bitten varmints done did.

Pump up the volume, maybe?

You never know what direction fixing things on a boat will steer you toward. Even the most trivial tasks, can quickly become odious in a heartbeat. "The radio doesn't work on my new boat, will you look at it?" "Sure, but this is a warranty issue, any repairs will have to be cleared with the dealer first. I'll look at it, and tender an opinion. What's going on with it?" "Well I'm not sure. There apparently was a problem with it, and the dealer said a new radio had been installed. They averred it was working when it left the yard, but it has never worked for me at all."

Cable TV Outer Limits

There is nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are not controlling transmission. We can't make it louder by bringing up the volume. We can't make it softer, we can't tune it to a whisper. We can't reduce the focus to a soft blur, or sharpen it to crystal clarity. We will not control the horizontal. We will not control the vertical. For the next thousand words, sit quietly while we don't control all that you see and hear. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the inner mind to... The digital cable less Outer Limits. Because you can't easily hook up an interface box on most boats!